Occasionally, I'll join a blogathon and not have any idea what I'm going to contribute. This was the case when I committed to The Beach Party Blogathon, a joint blogathon hosted by our blogging buddies at Speakeasy and Silver Screenings. I thought about it for a while, ignored it for a while, came back to it, and started the cycle all over again. Eventually, I did the smart thing and just stood in front of my DVD collections staring down titles. When I got to the horror section I came across one of those I bought a long time ago, but never actually watched. It was this...
To be honest, I never even heard of it before I bought it. But hey, I'm game. I popped it in, hit play, and...um...I dunno. Like, really, I have no clue what the hell I just watched. And that's a good thing.
I'll try to explain.
We start with a shooting and see a guy being chased through the streets. I've not the foggiest idea why we're shown this because it has exactly zero bearing on the movie that follows. The guy pulls a fake mustache out of his pocket, walks into a bar, and starts narrating. We find out he's a secret agent called XK150. I dunno who he works for. I'm not sure he knows. He's there to meet another agent, who happens to be a female. The only real reason for this is to show us that he falls head over heels in love with just about any woman that crosses his path. Next thing you know, dude is off on a yacht with some rather snooty, but none too bright criminals and some Cuban military personnel who talk about stopping Castro's Cuban Revolution. Among the crooks is a guy who is clearly trying to channel Humphrey Bogart and his girlfriend whom we're led to believe is a stone cold killer. There's also a dude even dumber than them. We're told that he developed a facial twitch from watching too many, guess what, Humphrey Bogart movies. Finally, there's the girlfriend's brother. Okay, we gotta talk about the brother.Wow. This dude doesn't speak too often. At least, he doesn't use English or any other human language. Dude just makes random animal noises. I mean he opens his mouth and canned sounds play. Yup.
Then a bunch of stuff happens.
Occasionally, that stuff includes
Eventually, we even get to the beach. After the bad guys purposely capsize the small boat they're on. By the way, this doesn't stop them from having multiple outfits. At least once, that outfit impossibly changes from one shot to the next. None of it makes a lick of sense. This includes everything involving our super spy. He does nothing...NOTHING to effect the story one way or the other. He makes two calls. One is to say that nothing much is going on. The other is to speak to the agent he spoke to at the beginning. He speaks in code to her. I swear, he says "I'll trade you my utilities and all of my railroads for Park Place." Seriously, we're dropping Monopoly references? I had been giggling all along at all the inanity. When this happened, I was literally in stitches. The reason the movie is making such references is because it fathoms itself to be some sort of spoof or satire of monster flicks and spy movies, but it fails spectacularly. Other than the Monopoly line, almost of the humor derived from watching this is unintentional. Then there's the action. It's oddly non-violent considering that it involves people being murdered. I could go on, but let's just say this is one of the most awful movies I've ever seen. And that's a good thing. In other words. it's so bad it's awesome!